Karens Weight Loss Journal

Hi

Yeap have been to the dentist again today... last session for the next 12 mths now all the work has been done. Must admit that the ijection he gave me today has really numbed my mouth big time (well a lot more than usual) but never fear I did manage to eat some dinner... it was a bit of a struggle but I did do it! We can't have me fading away to nothing now can we??? Yeah right as if that is ever going to happen.... LOL

Work today was pretty full on yet again but I think I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel... I think... but knowing my luck there will be heaps more work waiting for me when I arrive there in the morning (since I left early for the dentist).

Food today - thought I would try something different for lunch and went to this place that I keep seeing a salad bar advertised! Well as nice as it was I won't be going back there in a hurry due to the price of it and how much you actually got for that price! Oh there was a last minute birthday morning tea for one of the girls in HR and I just had to have a SMALL piece of chocolate cake as it would have been rude not too... right??? LOL But honestly it was a SMALL piece... Water today - about 2.5 litres so am ok with that. Exercise - did think about walking this evening but due to the numbness of my mouth I opted out of going - yeah yeah I know since when does ones mouth get in the way of walking...

Not sure if I will get back to the gym tomorrow as I seem to have hurt my left shoulder whilst doing some weights yesterday... will put some anti-flam creme on it tonight and see how it is in the morning.

Right thats about me for the evening - catch ya all later

Hi

Well today I made it back to the gym - crazy I know in this heat but I couldn't make up any more excuses - it had to be done and I did it! Didn't quite do my full time on everything but hey it has been 3 weeks since I was there so between the break away and the heat of the day I think I did pretty damn well actually! I have booked in my Wednesday session too so look out here comes Karen again!

Work today - pretty diabolical but we survived. Had a headache off and on all day - but have been tough so far and haven't taken anything. The boss is back next week thank god so this will be another full on week. MIGHT have to work a bit at the weekend but if I do it will only be for a wee while and I do get paid for it which is even better!

Food today - hmmmm over all not too bad. A few snifters slipped into my mouth... but am not stressing over that. Water today - brilliant - would estimate about 3 litres at least so am real happy with that. Exercise - well as I have already mentioned - I got back to the gym and had a great session there.

Right just popping back to yesterdays brunch at Helena's - I had a great time chickeee! Can Craig come and be my chef please??? He did an awesome job on the BBQ and you were an awesome hostess!!! We must do those more often! Oh and to update my comment on your journal last night - I ended up with 2 sunburnt arms, a sunburnt neck/chest, a sunburnt nose and 2 pink legs! LOL Though I think the legs got burnt later in the day when I went visiting friends.

But right thats me for the night - catch ya all tomorrow some time.

Hi ya

Never made it to the gym yesterday morning as I had a crap sleep and woke up feeling crappier so sent Robyn a txt to say I wouldn't be there... and promptly went back to sleep until Steph's brother rung up about 8.45am - gees just cause he has kids doesn't mean we are all awake! LOL But after that call I decided it was time to get up anyway. So after the usual breakfast, showering, doing a couple loads of washing etc I went and got my haircut then popped around to Steph's parents place as Steph was still there as he had been helping his father and brother do some concreting. Had a sandwich with them for lunch before heading out to do the groceries. Home again where we just blobber out doing sweet bugger all really as it was just too hot to do anything. Decided that we would go out for my birthday dinner so we went out to the Hogs Breathe Cafe in Lower Hutt - hmmmm I do love their meals and I am sure that our meals were smaller than last time which for me is a good thing! LOL Had the lovely marinated salmon steak with a baked potato and salad. Oh yeah I will admit to having a banana split too but only ate about 1/2 of it! Got home and we just blopped out on the couch watching a DVD before I headed to bed whilst Steph watched another one.

God what a humid and muggy night we had - it was really uncomfortable to sleep in. Thank god for my beside fan thats all I will say! Woke about 7.30am and after a few minutes of contemplation I decided to get up and go for a walk so off I went - did my usual 5km walk - took about 5 mins longer than normal as it was so muggy and I was struggling to find the energy at times! LOL But I did it :) Showered etc and now I am hanging out to go to Helena's for brunch!!! Stomach is rumbling as it is usually fed by now! LOL

Not a lot else planned really - am really hoping that Steph will get some (if not all) of the housework done whilst I am out but I won't hold my breath on that one. We might go around to sisters place this afternoon for a swim if they are going to be home...

Right hope you are all having a good weekend and enjoying the sunshine etc... For those Aucklanders (and others) who have tomorrow off - have a great day tomorrow too!

Ciao

PS Carla - I have taken a photo of my new bag just for you - now I gotta remember to download it from the camera but will do that as soon as I can just for you :)

Yeap "TGIF" is right thats for sure... thank god its Friday!!! And I am off to bed soon which is even better in my eyes! Yeah I know pretty sad for a Friday evening - in bed by 10pm but I am feeling rather blah and tired so an early night for me!

Am feeling a bit better throat wise but rather than it being sore as hell I now seem to have got a cough and a light case of the snuffles! The cough isn't bad - just enough to be annoying - not taking anything for it as yet - just drinking lots of water and sticking to my natural lozenges that I have been taking for the sore throat.

Though am not sure if I have done the wisest of things this evening... after being out and about we went around to Steph's sisters place and I had a lovely swim in their pool. Which I guess during the day whilst the sun was shining wouldn't be so bad - but at 8.15pm when the sun has gone off the pool etc it probably wasn't the wisest of plans but oh boy it was so damn refreshing and relaxing!

Rung Robyn from the gym today and have booked in for 8.15am tomorrow - but in all honesty I may end up cancelling it for now as the mornings are usually when I feel the worse and having had the swim I might not be too good in the morning but will wait and see. I was gonna take this weekend off the gym as well and try to start back next week but I was talking to one of the Mgrs from work about a few bits and pieces and basically we decided that getting back to the gym is probably one of the best things I can do cause that is "me" time in a roundabout way... but like I said I will see how I am in the morning. Just having a round of sneezes at the moment... oooops! :)

Food today - not the best - went to the pub for lunch and a BLT with fries. Shared the fries which was good... but the BLT was covered in some sort of vingerette!!! YUCK! Left about 1/3 of the bread too... so I guess I am better than I used to be but still probably could have made better choices overall. Had grilled chicken and salad for tea which was quite yummy. Water has been a bit slack compared to the rest of the week but still drinking quite a bit of it.

Oh whilst we were out this evening, I got the first bit of my belated birthday present - chose myself a bag from Strand Bags. Was gonna get one of those lovely soft leather ones but for various reasons I ended up with a "harder" looking one.

Right thats me for the night - am so looking forward to Helena's on Sunday - should be so much fun! :)

Catch ya all over the weekend.

Hi all

Well went to weigh in - faced the music and gained 500gms! But don't there are no bridges to be built this time as I am already over it... Hey I have been through a hell of a lot in the last 4 weeks or so and have somehow worked wonders with my weight - maintaing my huge loss that I had just before Christmas for 3 whole weeks and then still managing to lose a kilo last week! I knew I would be facing a gain sooner or later so lets hope its just this one (for this month - oh it is the last Thursday of the month LOL) for the time being. Onwards and downwards I say!!! :)

Once again I found it hard to leave weigh in and not being able to txt Jude but I txt some other special friends - thanks guys for your support! And I would just like to share this wee quote that just came through on an email from my mum: "Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there" I feel that applies to everyone out of us out there :)

I am feeling a bit better today throat wise - seems to come and go but seem to have got a bit of a tickle in it so hopefully thats all it will be! Started the ISOGEL today as well for the IBS (see last nights entry) - ewwww yuck!! LOL Yes it may be tasteless but the texture of the yoghurt becomes disgusting! I must be honest and say that by 1/2 way through the pottle of yoghurt I was managing to eat it without gagging so hopefully thats a good sign. Also booked my ultrasound in for Sat 11th Feb - but gees didn't realise it was one of the ones that you have to fast for approx 4/5hrs before hand - no fluids or food whatsoever! So decided that a Saturday morning appt was the best time so I can have a wee sleep in, jump in the shower, dress and then head down there... I can cancel the appt with the ISOGEL does wonders but will have to play that by ear for the next fortnight.

Not too much planned for this weekend - haircut on Saturday morning and a girlie brunch at Helenas on Sunday morning... but in between that there will be housework and shopping but nothing to big. So hopefully will be able to find some "me" time. Though on saying that I am one of those people that find it hard to sit still and not do anything... always like to be on the go doing something (well have only been like that since starting the gym etc). But I will do my best to relax this weekend.

Right, catch ya all later. Have a great Friday everyone.

Hi all

Thanks for your kind words last night and today... yes I agree I probably do need some "me" time with everything I have been through lately but with the boss away I can't see it happening anytime soon besides I don't have too much Annual Leave to take as yet but will see what I can do especially since my bosses boss has spoken to me about taking some special leave but I would like to discuss it with her further before agreeing to take it.

My throat is still sore today and I have had a headache come and go all day... so I think I will be heading to bed shortly for a quiet night. I have been to the Drs today - Gillian is tossing up between Gall Bladder problems or IBS (Irriatable Bowel Syndrome) so has given me a referal form for an ultrasound but has also given me a script for some ISOGEL which is similar in form to Metamucil but you mix it with yoghurt every morning and apparently it has a very high success rate in "curing" IBS... so Jo will see how I go with it but I can always pass it on to you to try as well to see if that helps you with your "problems" :) So Gillian has asked me to try the ISOGEL for two weeks and if no better then I can get the Ultrasound done. I think I will book the ultrasound in now though (for two weeks time) as appointments can be quite hard to get at times and I can always cancel it if the ISOGEL works for me.

L at work has told me to have tomorrow off if I am still not right but will see how I am feeling in the morning... I just feel real bad with the boss away as there is so much to do and we lose a day in this pay cycle as well with Waitangi Day so don't really want to take time off just yet but like I said I will see how I am feeling in the morning. Work today was pretty full on but I did manage to get the yucky jobs out of the way... well most of the yucky jobs anyway.

Food today - not a lot again due to sore throat. Whilst L was out at lunch I asked her to get me a berry smoothie. That went down a treat - not as nice as the one we had on Monday when we were working but it was from a different Juice bar. Water intake was good again as it feels so good on the throat. No exercise today due to the Dr's and although I was planning on a walk tonight... the rain and my sore throat/headache have put pay to that idea...

Anyway, this has taken me longer than planned as my big sister just rung for a chat... so will sign off now and will catch ya all tomorrow... oh I have weigh in tomorrow - not sure if I will make it yet but will explain more tomorrow night.

Ciao

Hi ya

Will TRY to keep this post brief as I am not feeling too shit hot today so I think I will be heading to bed real soon (all going well).

Woke during the night with a sore throat and thought it was just dry so had a nice glass of water and went back to sleep... but when I woke this morning it was twice as bad and id still feeling rather sore now.

There was no way I could call in sick today since the boss is now on leave for a couple of weeks so I just plodded on through the day, saying as little as possible - yeah yeah I know that is a misson for me at times! LOL Drunk heaps of water and managed to get some lunch and dinner down as well though that was a bit of a struggle. Am taking some natural throat lozenges so will see how things are in the morning - just as well I have a Drs appt anyway so if needs be will be able to get the throat checked out as well. My appt tomorrow is for a check up after a month of being on some medication for what the locum (whom I saw 23 Dec) suspects is gall bladder problems... so think I could be going for an x-ray to get it checked out but will see what Gillian has to say when I see her tomorrow.

Food today - minimal and a struggle but probably not some wise choices either but guess it was out of comfort and ease of eating more than anything. Nothing bad so to speak but just not the best of choices. Water - briliant - probably about 2.5 litres if not more. Exercise - well was planning on a walk with one of Judes friends who lives up the road but the rain and the sore throat have put pay to that really. If it had just been the rain then I may have considered going anyway, but with the sore throat I don't want to risk getting worse... I was told today at work that there is apparently a tonsilitis bug going around - great thats all I needed to hear! So fingers crossed I don't have that!

Anyway, this is supposed to be brief, going to go watch a programme that Steph and I taped last night... catch ya all later.

Hi all

Boy what a day I've had!!! Had a crap nights sleep, was up at 7.45am to get myself ready for L to pick me up to take me to work.

Arrived at work 9.50am and boy it was so flaming stuffy!!! No air conditioning was working due to the building being closed and it was was unbelievably hot!! We had 4 fans going full force and it was still hot! The coolest place on the whole floor was the loo!! LOL But once either of us were out there we didn't want to go back to work! LOL Took a lunch break about 1ish and went for a walk to Manners Mall where we both got a kebab each and then stopped at a juice bar and both got a smoothy as well. Boy I was in heaven - that smoothy was delicious, low fat and filling! A bit pricey but oh so worth it.

Back to work and we worked till 5pm when we debated about working for another hour or so but decided we both had had enough and packed up and came home. Admittingly we did get a lot accomplished today but we still do have quite a bit to get done in the morning... so tomorrow will be another full on day. The boss is now on leave for 2 weeks so it will be an interesting time as L will probably think she is the boss but shes not really - yes she is more experienced than me when it comes to running this particular payroll but overall we both have the same experience with Payroll knowledge. Whenever B is away, we are to work along side each other - not have one bossing the other about but L tends to forget that.

Have also realised that I won't get to the gym on Wednesday as I have a Dr's appt at 5.30pm and as Gillian is notorious for running late on her late nights... I definitley won't get to the gym... but am hoping to meet up with a friend of Judes who lives up the road from me for a walk tomorrow night so might see if she is free on Wednesday as well.

Right time I was outta here as I have a couple of calls to make... hope you have all had a good Monday. Catch ya all tomorrow sometime.

Hi all

Yeap am slowly getting there day by day I guess... I don't think I realised what an impact Judes death would have on me to be honest! I have really come to realise how often I txt her, called her or popped up to spend time with her. Everytime my phone beeps I think "Jude" and then its oh it won't be Jude... or if Steph and I decide to do something exciting its like lets ring Jude and see if she wants to come... oh yeah can't do that! Like Steph said to me last night, it will take a bit of time to get used to not having Jude around in person but she will always be there in spirit and in our hearts!

So anyway, Friday evening after the funeral and we had some tea (fish and chips), I popped up to Jo's to collect some tupperware that I had ordered for Judes mum and myself. Was great having a wee catch up with her and some brief cuddles with Rhian - oh she is just so damn adorable!!!! :) Then off to the Tote Bar to pick up a couple of Judes friends and nieces who had been drinking there since the end of the service and then took them all back to one of their homes and stayed there for a wee while reminising about the good ole days! Only problem was that whilst we were reminising I had just a few too many chippies... oooops!

Saturday, I woke up contemplating the gym but used the following reasons/excuses not to go: 1) I had a slight headache, 2) My right arm was real sore from carrying the casket, and 3) I was still tired and didn't really have the energy... besides I had to be up at Judes place by 10am to spend some time with her parents as her mum wanted to give me a couple of new tops that she had bought for Jude but she had never gotten the chance to wear them. So that trip was a bit emotional - real strange going to Judes and seeing no Jude there... so a few more tears were shed and lots more cuddles with promises that I will always keep in touch with the family no matter what! Her parents are hoping to come back down next weekend and will stay with Judes brother so they are going to let me know when they know for sure that they are coming and I will then pop up and have a cuppa and a chat with them all as thats what they want me to do!

Anyway, after that trip, it was housework time before heading to Queensgate to do some shopping and to have some lunch. I managed to score myself a nice top from Farmers for 1/2 price and the best bit was that the top was a "L"! Not an 3XL, 2XL or even an XL but just a plain L :) Lunch wasn't the best of choices - chicken and chips but I enjoyed them. After that we stopped by the Tupperware Demo and had a wee chat to Jo before heading to the supermarket to do shopping etc...

Home from that, made up some dessert kebabs (strawberries, fresh pineapple, grapes, marshmellows and pineapple lumps) to take to Lynaires later on then managed to blob out for a wee while before we headed to Lynaires place. Had a wonderful evening there - best catch up we have had for ages. Only problem was that I ate far to many chippies and crackers and pate so by the time the BBQ was cooked I was forcing myself to eat steak, meat patties and a sausage.. and oh coleslaw and garlic bread too! Despite being so full, I still forced down some of the dessert kebabs! I felt the worst I had felt for a long time food wise... I can't recall the last time I had eaten so much... but hey the best bit was that I had an awesome night anyway! We ended up playing "Buzz" on the Play Station. I had heard lots about this game "Buzz" but had never played it... but after 1 game I was addicted and just wanted to keep on playing, so we finally left their place about 12.15am this morning after 5 games! And yay I finally won the last one! :) I so want to play it again and again and again! Next time we get together, we are going to get "Sing Star" - another one I have heard so much about... but I just hope Lynaire and Kev know what they are letting themselves in for by getting me to sing! LMAO

So it was a sleep in for me this morning - up just after 9am and doing washing, cleaning charlies cage and doing yet more washing... Oh have discovered we now have three things wrong with the house again so guess what I am doing tonight - ringing the landlord! The clothesline which was tempermental earlier has now broken - ok I can use it but its dangerous, there is water leaking from the toilet around the base of it and there seems to be a drainage problem on the front lawn by the letterbox which is getting worse... lets see how long these take to get fixed.

Anyway, have just had a yummy piece of corn on the cob and an apricot for lunch and am about to head to Steph's sisters place for a linegere party so Steph's sister in law is picking me on her way past so best I go get changed soon....

Not a lot more happening this weekend really, a quiet evening with Taco's planned for tea and then I am working tomorrow (Wgtn Anniversary) and L is picking me up at 9.30 but I think by the sounds of things we will be there most of the day... oh well Karen just think of the $$$$ and the day off you will get! :)

Hope you are all having a fantastic weekend - once again thanks to you all for your lovely emails and comments and txts for both the tribute and birthday wishes... yes it was my birthday on Friday (day of the funeral) but I did not celebrate it as I was not in any frame of mind. Still haven't chosen a present for Steph to get me yet but I will find something one day when I am ready.

See ya

PS Sorry for the long post - was only supposed to be a short update... but you know me - rambling on forever as always!

Hi all

Not really going to say too much today - but am just going to post the tribute that I read at Jude's funeral this afternoon and will also post the "famous" picture that was on the casket, on the service sheet and that everyone is asking for...
I managed to read most of the tribute without breaking down but only because I didn't look up - just kept on reading... only broke down as I got near the end... But the hardest bit was doing the pall bearing - not only was it heavy but it was emotionally draining as well. We did have a laugh though later about how Jude would have been pissing herself laughing at us 6 women struggling to carry her out of the chapel as Jude was not a small lady!


A Tribute to Jude

Although I have only known Jude for 3½ years they have been the most amazing 3½ years for me!

I first met Jude when I started working at DOC as a temporary employee in September 2002 and my first impressions of her were:

· What a caring, thoughtful and very friendly lady
· What an amazing sense of humour
· What a very popular person with all staff

We had some fun times at DOC as a team and Jude was always one to have a joke and a good laugh.

Unfortunately, I left DOC in August 2003 but Jude and I kept in touch through emails, texts and phone calls, and of course meeting for lunch.

I have since come to work at DOC permanently and was so looking forward to working with Jude again and she was always saying to me “Just keep my seat warm Karen - I will be back”. The team is just not going to be the same without her! We all miss you so much Jude! You taught me how to give cheek to Bazil and how to keep him in line, and don’t worry, I will keep that up for you but I will never do it as well as you did!

Jude helped me a lot when it came to organising my wedding in late 2003 and insisted on doing the service sheets for us through her business and wouldn’t let us pay a cent!

Boy we sure had many an argument about that but as many a friend of hers will testify it was hard to argue with Jude when she was determined to do something. That was one of her greatest attributes, her willingness to always go out of her way to help and assist others! She always thought of others before herself no matter how much sleep she lost doing it! I would often ask her how she slept when she was looking tired and she would tell me that she had not slept well at all - due to too much thinking! But very rarely was it about herself - it was always about her friends or family… and oh sometimes work too!

I do feel strange in the sense that I have not known Jude for as long as a lot of you people here today but in the short time I have known her we just seemed to have “clicked” and formed a special friendship and I will never ever forget that! Jude was a very special friend to me (and Stephan) especially through the last 12 months or so when I suffered two miscarriages as she would come down and make sure I was okay on the nights when Stephan was out at his rifle club and she was always emailing or calling me to see how I was doing and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

Jude, you have been my number one supporter since I started my weight loss journey - who am I gonna text each Thursday evening now to let them know how I got on? You were always there for me, always telling me off when I put myself down, always telling me to look on the positive side of things and reminding me of how far I have come…

I would just like to share a wee paragraph that was written to me in a forum that I belong to as I thought it summed things up pretty well:

“It never makes sense (for a long time) why the good ones have to go. I believe that some people are so special that they are meant to be here to bring us together and teach us the value of love. They leave us forever changed and forever grateful…and then move on to a place of no physical or emotional limitations. What freedom!”

And to me that is so true – Jude has brought so many of us together in so many ways and for that we will be forever grateful.

Jude, you have taught me to have confidence within myself, and for that I will always be eternally grateful to you…

Jude, thank you for being there whenever I needed someone to talk to, to cry with, to moan to or just to hug. You were always there no matter what. You had a heart of gold and that will always mean so much to me.

Say hi to my angels and to my Dad for me… I love ya Jude and you will always be in my heart.






And one of the two of us that Steph took. This one was also used as part of the powerpoint presentation that was displayed during the service:


RIP Jude. I will never ever forget you and the friendship that we had. You mean so much to me and I will treasure every memory I have.

Hi all

Wasn't too sure if I would go to weigh in tonight since my eating over the last 10 days or so has been pretty random - eating when I want to eat and not eating my normal regular food... but as I was driving home I thought what the hell - lets go face the music - and believe it or not I somehow managed to lose 1 kilo this week! So am down to 87.9 kilos and a total loss of 41.4 kilos! I do have to be careful though as it could quite easily catch up with me next week as things return to "normal" for me but I will face that next week I think. I will just be happy with my loss this week and take it and run... :) The hardest bit was going back to the car and I just burst in to tears as I have always txt Jude from Day 1 of this journey to let her know how I got on each week and it really hit me that I will no longer be able to do that! Yes I have lots of friends I can txt (but didn't do any tonight) but its just not the same if you know what I mean.

Work today was diabolical between the work load which is huge and the phone calls and emails that were coming in from the Area offices expressing their sympathy and condolences to us as a team. L and I will be working on Monday (bugger there goes the long weekend) to ensure everything is done and checked in time to run the payroll on Tuesday. But the upside is that we will get paid time and a half for the hours we do work as well as receiving an alternative day off (to take later) so hey its not all bad I guess. In my old job I never got paid for working weekends etc (I got some time off in lieu but its just not the same as overtime LOL) so at least here it is recognised.

Looks like there will be at least 35/40 people from Head Office attending Judes funeral tomorrow so that goes to show how well liked she was at work. Its gonna be a hard day - one that I am not looking forward to but I will be strong and do just what Jude would want me to do. I have more or less finished my tribute to Jude now and got one of the Mgrs at work to "proof" it for me so apart from a few grammar corrections she said it was really great. Though she did ring me up after she had read it (I had emailed it to her) and said "You could have warned me" - she was bawling her eyes out after reading it. Oooops didn't think it was that moving but obviously it is as I then showed it to L and she promptly started crying too... oh well I guess thats what tributes are all about. Lets just hope I can do it without blubbering too much. I have been given some tips on how to retain my composure etc so will see how I get on.

Right dinner is almost ready so best I get moving. Will catch ya all either tomorrow night after the funeral (depending on what we do after the wake etc) or at some stage on Saturday.

Thanks again for all your support - you guys just rock and I love you all!

Hi all

Wow! I am speechless by the number of comments left on my journal over the last few days and the number of txts and emails as well... I didn't realise so many people read my blog and cared so much! Like Anne has said in her journal - when you initally start out doing a blog you intend on keeping it private and just stick to weight loss issues but slowly over time you get to know people and you become like one big family and you start sharing more and more with everyone. So to you all - a great big thank you for your overwhelming love and support! You guys rock!

Well I did go to work today - but only cause I was wide awake (didn't get much sleep at all) so was there at 7am and stayed till 9.30am before heading off to Queensgate to get the photos printed - think I may have gotten a couple too many but I am sure someone will want a copy sometime over the next few days. After the photos it was a quick trip home to pick up a few bits and pieces Jude had asked me to look after when she knew she was going in to hospital and then it was up to her brothers place to meet the undertaker and to discuss all the arrangements.

It was pretty hard at times but also it was nice to be able to talk about the things that Jude liked. There was one other friend there too which was good as I was a bit worried about being the only non family member there... We learnt that Jude wanted female pallbearers and had even chosen them as well so yeap thats one of my jobs for Friday along with a couple of family members and other friends... gonna be a hard task (and not only cause I will be the shortest LOL) but am sure I will manage since I know it is what Jude wanted. They are also playing the song that I suggested which is "Thank you for being a friend" and they will play that as we are carrying her out so between the song and the job I think I will be pretty much a mess by the end of it all. She is having a private cremation afterwards. The other friend and I also got the job of choosing the flowers for the casket so have chosen a lovely casket spray and asked for lots of bright cheerful colours so hopefully the family will be ok with our choice.

I have just recently had a call from her Son asking me to go back to her brothers place this evening as we are having a meeting with the celebrant that will be officating at the service. Jude wanted nothing religious at all but we felt that we definitely needed someone "running" it to ensure things went smoothly and didn't go on for too long.

I am feeling honoured that the family are involving me in so much of the process but I guess it really does show that they do appreciate how close Jude and I were and how much time I spent with her over the last few months.

I have emailed a notice to appear in the death notices from Steph and I so am hoping that will get in for tomorrows paper otherwise it will be in on Friday. I have also more or less finished my tribute to Jude - its nothing spectacular by anymeans but I always find those sort of things real hard to write - wish I had her touch of poem writing. But I won't put the tribute here until Friday probably along with the photo.

Will be at work tomorrow trying to get as much done as possible, won't go to work on Friday but may end up going in over the weekend to finish things off before we run the payroll on Tuesday... and not forgetting that Monday is a holiday for us in Wellington being our anniversary day!

Catch ya all later

PS Just wanted to add this wee comment that was left for me on a forum that I belong to... it made me shed a few tears but it is so lovely:

It never makes sense (for a long time) why the good ones have to go. I believe that some people are so special that they are meant to be here to bring us together & teach us the value of love. They leave us forever changed & forever grateful... & then move on to a place of no physical or emotional limitations. What freedom! I hope your grief is lessened by knowing that your friend is now pain-free & what a difference you made in her last days.

At 3.50pm today, Jude passed away peacefully in her sleep. Her father and neice were with her at the time. Marianne and I were just about to head out the door when her brother rung me to let me know... But what freaked me out was that about the same time I had a real funny feeling in my tummy and thought "shit something is not right" so I guess it was the ole saying of a "gut feeling".... The family still wanted us to come out to the hospice to be with them and to see Jude for one last time which was really special to everyone.

I am in the middle of writing a tribute to her which I will read at her funeral which will probably be on Friday but once I have that to my liking I will post it here along with the "famous" photo that everyone now seems to want! I have lost count of how many people want a copy of it now - I think I am up to 4 enlargements of it and about 5 normal size ones... so I think I will get them printed off tomorrow at some stage. Would have done it tonight but the place where I get them done was closed by the time I left the hospice.

The family have also asked me to be at a meeting tomorrow morning to help organise the funeral since I was such a good friend to Jude. I tried telling her brother that I wasn't needed there and that it was family time but he insisted that the whole family would like me there... so at this stage I think I will go to work in the morning till 10.30am and then head out to Upper Hutt for the get together and then will probably just spend the afternoon with them all. Actually I will need to take the photo with me when I go there as they are wanting to use it on the service sheet too so perhaps I won't go to work afterall... but anyway will see how things are in the morning.

But I will leave it at that for now as I still have some phone calls to make and want to do some more work on my tribute to Jude... Thank you all for your lovely comments, txts and emails - they mean so much to me knowing how much you all care for me! I have been blown away by them all! Love ya all

PS Happy Birthday Mum... glad you had a wonderful day and I hope you are having fun with the DVD player!

Hi all

Well not sure about you others who use blogger but I certainly have been having problems with blogger this evening - just been awfully slow and even erroring at times when I tried to leave messages on other blogs.

I thought to myself today that about a week ago when Jude was admitted to hopsital I made the comment that I probably wouldn't be updating very often etc... but I have found myself just having to update each evening no matter what the time may be due to the over whelming love and support you have all shown to Jude, her family and myself. I also find it good being able to diarise each day on how she was and what may have happened so I can look back at it and think "oh yeah that one of her good days...."

So today's update is not a lot of change really... got a txt from her brother about 9.30 this morning to say that she was comfortable and looking good which cheered us all up a bit. Then at lunch time about 7 of us when out to visit her and I had the task of reading an email out to her that one of the ladies she used to deal with up in the Bay of Plenty wanted me to read... boy that was hard but I did it! Then about 4pm, Marianne and I jumped in the car and headed out to the hospice for a quick visit - not alot more change really. She is still being stubborn and like she said when first diagonised with the cancer "I will fight this to the very last breath I take" and it certainly looks like she is doing that!

The hardest bit of today was when my boss asked me if I would like to sit at Judes desk now... I feel honoured to be there but boy that woman has got some crap in her drawers as well as about a years supply of lollies!!! LOL Its gonna take me some time to go through everything and to sort myself out but I do feel so special being able to sit there and share her bits and pieces. I have sorted a bag full of bits and pieces of personal belongings so will take that out to her son at some stage but no hurry really for that.

Oh I must get the photos reprinted too for her son and now another friend has asked for a copy of the photo of Jude enlarged! I am just so pleased that I remembered to take my camera that day and that I was able to capture her looking good and to have taken the last photo of her.

Haven't been to the gym tonight - but right now the gym can wait - its the least of my worries and not important at all. I know Jude wouldn't want me to abandon it and I am not planning to abandon it altogether... I am just wanting to spend special time with a very special friend whilst she is with us!

Anyway, its almost 9pm now - I am shattered once again - seems to be the story of my life right now. Had a few people tell me today that I look real tired... oh well thats life!

Catch ya all later.

Just a very quick update before I head to bed... Jude is still being stubborn and hanging in there. Though definitely sleeping a lot more now and has been started on a very low dose of morphine after a rough night last night...

Went down to the hospice for an hour this morning before we headed up to Mums to have a birthday lunch with her. All 6 kids chipped in and got her a DVD player and some garden vouchers so since we were the ones getting it for her we got the job of setting it up for her as well and making sure it works - which of course it does... So spent 3hrs or so up with Mum before coming home, doing some housework which had been neglected lately and then headed back down to the hospice for what I thought would be a quick visit but have only just gotten home so ended up being longer than I thought.

Was lovely this evening, got to spend time with her a couple of times and had a big crying session with her sister in law just before I left which always makes one feel better afterwards. The family asked me to stay in the room with her and them whilst the nurses gave her a bed bath and moved her etc and that really hit home when you watch a loved one unable to wash themselves or do anything at all! When they are just laying there sleeping its like just that - they are sleeping but when you see nurses having to wash them etc that really does hit home!

Back to work tomorrow - am taking the car in and have been given a staff car park to use which means I am only 15mins away should we get a phone call at any time. Also thinking that it means that a group of us can go out and do a lunch time visit if we want too which would be fantastic. Otherwise, I will just go straight there after work and spend some time there.

Eating as you can well imagine has been very spasmotic (is there such a word) this weekend - have skipped a few meals, eaten different foods and had very little water but thats life when things like this occur. I am eating when hungry and only little amounts... but at times I just don't fee like eating at all... when other things are so much more important.

Right thats me for the night - once again I am shattered and don't know if I am making any sense again. Thanks for all your love and support - the emails, txts and comments mean so much to me! Love ya all xxx

Hi all

Well am not long home from hospice and the stubborn old bag is still hanging in there! LOL That probably sounds cruel for those that don't know her but it has always been a joke between Jude and her close friends how stubborn she can be when she wants to get her own way!
It has been one very long day today and I am shattered and am heading to bed shortly to hopefully get a good sleep... but in all honesty I am expecting my phone to ring during the night with either Judes brother or son ringing me to tell me she has passed away.
Jude was doing so well this morning and insisted that I go for a walk to get her an fruju iceblock! So a couple of us went for a walk (which was further than I thought and I did not have proper walking shoes on but never mind) and ended up getting her a popsicle slushi which she just loved!!! It was better than an iceblock as it meant someone could feed it to her mouthful by mouthful... and over a period of 2/3 hrs she devoured the lot. I did have a couple of breaks from the hospice but never for too long as I just didn't want to be too far away from her in case something happened.
Midafternoon she detoriated again quite rapidly and her son made the call that we were all able to spend time with her one on one... so eventually I was able to have my time with her and that will always be very special to me! As I was sitting there holding her hand blubbering away she woke up and told me to stop crying and to toughen up! Silly old bag - easy for her to say that! LMAO She also lifted her arms up and gave me 3 cuddles which was so special for me and will always remain in my heart.
Judes family have been amazing support to me today especially her brother and sister in law - without them I don't know if I would have managed too well.
So anyway, after the one on one and having tea with the family (fish and chips) I decided that it was time for me to come home and leave the family (and a couple of her sons friends) to have time with her... In a way I hope she is still hanging in there in the morning so I can pop back down there and see her again and support her parents and son before going to Mums for lunch... and then as I said to Steph if she still still being a stubborn old bag I will go back to the hospice when we get home from mums... but in all honesty and as much as this hurts to say - I really do hope she does pass away to a place so much better than earth tonight for everyones sake really but especially her parents as they are really struggling.
I do feel honoured though as one of the photos that I took of Jude on New Years Day (when we went and picked her up from Foxton) has been chosen by her parents etc to be the one that goes on top of the coffin at her funeral! This means so much to me - it is hard to put it in to words what that means to me! So whilst I was out on one of my breaks I went over to Queensgate and got the enlargement that her parents wanted done and it has come out beautifully. Since getting home tonight, her son has txt me and asked if we can get him one the same size so will get that done for him tomorrow some time. I think I will post it here once she has passed away and I do my post in honor of Jude!
Anyway, I am shattered and I don't know how much of this is making sense and if I am repeating myself at times... so will sign off and will be back at some stage tomorrow probably to keep you all updated.
Thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart for the comments, emails and txts that have come through today - they all mean so very much to me and I love you all!!!

Hi all

Just wanted to drop a quick line to say that things are not looking at all good for Jude right now. She was admitted to the hospice early this afternoon but has detoriated rapidly. I got a call from her son to ask me to come as soon as I could - so the boss told me to go straight away and one of the other Mgrs gave me a lift out there to save me mucking around with trains etc... Have been at hospice since 3pm and only just home now (10pm). Has been a long 7hrs but have had some wonderful time with Jude - not quite the one on one time that I was hoping we would all get (like we did with Dad when he was in the hospice) but still it was time as friends and family. When we left (the three of her closest friends) she was sleeping and very peaceful indeed - we are all sleeping with our cellphones on tonight just in case.......... otherwise we are all meeting back there in the morning to spend more time with her.

Oh just to let you know also I did attend weigh in last night on the way to visit Jude whilst she was still in hospital but got home rather late and just went straight to bed.... I am pleased to report that I managed to stay the same - so I maintained my 88.9 kilos over the 3 weeks so was really quite wrapped with that as I was expecting a gain. The hardest part of weighing in now is that I can't txt Jude like I have done for the past almost 3 years!!! That really hurts knowing that I will never get another txt, phone call or email from her.... god why does life have to be so unfair and why do these things happen to the nicest of people???

So my updates may be pretty sparse over the next few days but then again I may come on when I am home to vent my feelings etc... Basically my plans for the weekend are all on hold and will be spending as much time as we can at the hospice. If things are still looking ok on Sunday we will go and have lunch with Mum as it is her birthday early next week but she is aware that she may get a call on Sunday morning saying that we are not coming up...

Thanks for all your love and support everyone xxx

Hi all

Well another day closer to the weekend and I am so looking forward to the weekend and am so hoping that I will get the chance to sleep in! Though knowing my silly body I will wake early and end up exercising but in my mind I won't be doing any of that - I will be sleeping! LOL

I am feeling rather guilty today as I am feeling like I have abandoned Jude as I have not visited her today at all :( Am really missing seeing her but I know for my own sanity I have to have some "me" time or I will have a breakdown - okay maybe not a breakdown but will just wear myself right down to nothing! And I know that would be the last thing Jude would want me to do to myself! I did comment to her last night when I was leaving that she wouldn't miss me if I didn't come in as she has so many other friends visiting and boy did I get a telling off from her for saying that or as much as a telling off that she could give me in her state... but Barb another friend that was there told me off too saying that of course Jude would miss me as everyone knows what a special friend I am to her. I tried to argue that I am just me and doing nothing particular and just being there but I lost the argument :( To me I am doing nothing special - just doing what I would hope my friends would do for me should I ever be in that situation (or as sick as she is in anyway). But anyway, back to not visiting her tonight - my boss and one of the other Mgrs are visiting tonight so I have asked them to pass on my thoughts to Jude and one of them is going to ring me when they get home to let me know how she is doing.

So on to work for the day - it was a long day as we didn't get an update from Judes son till about 3pm today so we all spent the day wondering what was happening. But we were relatively busy but the phones were not as busy as I thought they may have been but there is still tomorrow and Friday yet! LOL

Food today - really good as nothing "naughty" has passed these lips today. Another good day with 3 pieces of fruit eaten - boy this week must be a record for me and my fruit eating! Still no cherries yet Helena but then I haven't been back to NW yet to see if they had more in stock! I still can't believe I had not tried REAL cherries until Saturday afternoon at Helena's place! I have always thought YUCK to cherries but it dawned on me whilst talking to her that the only cherries I have ever tried were those glazed ones that come on top of Sundaes etc... so she went and got some fresh ones out of her fridge and OMG I was in heaven eating them! So yay for discovering a new fruit! :)

Water today - about 2.25 litres so am really pleased with that given my effort over the last few days.

Exercise - well took time out for myself (but only cause Jude would tell me off otherwise) and went to the gym. Was the only one there for majority of session so that was great and although I struggled on cross trainer and the rower I still completed my times on them and worked up a huge sweat! LOL

Anyway, thats me for the night - tomorrow I have the dentist at 5pm so will need to finish work early and head there (YUCK but am wondering if my new electric toothbrush that I got for Christmas has made much difference LOL) and then down to weigh in and then in to town to visit Jude. Steph will get his own tea (takeaways) as I won't be up to eating much after the dentist and having some fillings etc... Not expecting too much from weigh in tomorrow - remembering my awesome last weigh in just prior to Christmas when I lost 1.7 kilos but that was a first thing in the morning weigh in compared to a late afternoon one SOOOOOO I will be gaining tomorrow and my esitmate is between 500gms to 1 kilo but will keep you posted.

Night all

Hi all

Well not too much to say tonight... But I would like to thank you for your lovely comments re Jude and her illness. Your support to me (and her) means so much to me and I have passed on to her that you guys are thinking of her too as she used to be an avid reader of my journal until the computer got too much for her.

It's been a full on day at work today starting off with a huge crying session with one of the managers who just happened to ask how Jude was doing and the next thing I knew I was bawling my eyes out... perhaps that was what I needed in a way as I did feel a bit better after that! We didn't get all the checking finished but the boss had to make the call to run the payroll so the disk could get to Finance before people started going home for the day so one is imagining that the next couple of days as people get their payslips etc that the phones will be going berserk with queries etc especially with all the Stat days etc!

Food today - not the best but I decided I needed "stress" food so had a potato top savoury (or more like a mini pie) for lunch along with rice crackers and hummus though as I had bought a whole pkt of biscuits and a container of hummus I ate more than necessary until I had the will power to put the hummus into the fridge for another day! LOL Also had a peppy chew... yum! Though I did have 2 pieces of fruit as well along with a box of raisins as snacks. Water - a bit slack again - only about 1.5 litres but thats definitely better than none at all!

Exercise - made myself go for a walk this evening so did a nice brisk 5km walk so was pleased with that as I know Jude wouldn't want me just sitting on my arse thinking about her as she has been one of my main supporters (in real life) for this journey. Though I must admit I found myself crying whilst out walking so god knows how that looked to cars driving by... I was listening to my MP3 and the "Friends" soundtrack came on and that line of "I'll be there for you" just got to me and the next thing I knew I was crying but I just wiped away the tears and kept on walking! :)

Right time I was outta here - am hoping to get to the gym tomorrow as like I said I know Jude doesn't want me to stop my routine just cause she is sick! So I do try to comprise and spend time with her as well as spending time on me and my health!

Catch ya all later

Hi ya

Sorry for the lack of updates over the weekend but things turned rather hectic and I just didn't have the time to do any updating.

I don't really want to go into details here but things are not looking to good for Jude right now :( Spent majority of weekend with her - either helping her out, comforting her after ringing me in tears and the worst part being last night when we had to take her to A&E at Wgtn hospital and she has now been admitted and not sure what the future is holding right now. Have had very little sleep since Saturday morning - I would esitmate maybe about 6/7hrs all up between both Saturday and Sunday nights! And considering I am normally a 8/9hr a night chick I am pretty much running on nothing right now so once I am finished here I am off to bed for hopefully a decent sleep.

So between everything happening with Jude over the weekend, I did make the gym on Saturday morning and mowed the lawns Saturday evening (gees what a great social life we have at the moment NOT)! LOL Did housework, grocery shopping, a bit of visiting - just as well we warned Helena we were popping around otherwise we would have caught her out in her pink pj's! LOL Had a great yarn to her and Craig before heading home again.

Work today - totally diabolical and tomorrow will be worse! Took car to work today so was there just after 7am and was planning on working late but the boss wouldn't let me as he was concerned at how tired I was. Will take car again tomorrow as it is amazing on how much work one gets done before the phones etc start at 8am! Have organised for a staff carpark tomorrow so that means I can go whenever I am ready rather than waiting for the carpark across the road to open at 7am. A group of us went and visited Jude at lunchtime and then as I was "banned" from working late I did a quick detour to the hospital on the way home and spent about 30 mins or so there before heading home to cook my darling his tea (as his hand is still in a splint).

So have had tea, done the dishes, had a lovely heart to heart on the phone with Judes mum, and am now here struggling to keep my eyes open.

Foodwise - pretty good considering everything I have thought about eating at times! I have had THREE pieces of fruit (which is a record for me), ended up having a 6 inch subway roll for lunch on way back from hospital. Waterwise - hmmm probably about 1.5 litres so am ok with that. Also had one of those phoenix organic sparking blackcurrant drinks - yum! Believe me at 8am this morning I was already talking about dosing up on "V" but resisted the urge! Exercise - well never made it to the gym so despite feeling "guilty" about that I also know I need time out for me too at the moment! I did contemplate a walk about an hr ago but as I power walk when I go by myself, by the time I get home again, shower etc I am wide awake so decided that wasn't really what I needed tonight.

Right this has gone on a lot longer than I intended - am struggling to hit the right keys at the moment. Will catch ya all later.

Hi all

Hmmmm "oh dear" doesn't really sum it up very well at all. I am in fact refering to my food intake for today! Disgusting, poor choices, feeling blah are more like it should be! All started when in the mornings mail arrived 4 choccie fish for me to say thanks for some work I had done for one of the areas prior to Christmas - once I had opened the pkt they slowly disappeared one by one.... whilst out getting a relatively healthy lunch from New World (1/4 chicken and a wee punnet of coleslaw) I also got 3 mega snakes (wine gummy ones) and a pkt of Snowballs (chocolate covered marshmellow balls rolled in coconut). The snakes disappeared pretty rapidly and I thought ok Karen you have had enough junk now... thats enough! But sitting at the traffic lights in the car on the way home the bag somehow found its way open and before I had gotten home hmmmm about 1/2 the pkt had disappeared into my tum!!! But wait theres more..... for tea we had fish and chips! We used to have them each week as our treat but had gone off them over time but since discovering a new place to get them which have the most mouth watering delicious crumbed fish and yummy crispy chips - we have now had them 3 weeks in a row! Ooooops! Gotta get out of that habbit again quickly!

So there was my day foodwise - definitely not good at all but I guess I used to have worse days than that before I started my journey. Tomorrows another day and I will be back on track then :) Water today - oh about 2 litres I think so a big improvement on yesterdays slack effort but still not the best I can do. Exercise - well as I was feeling so bad after all my eating and started getting restless I have just completed my 5km walk - got home just after the street lights came on so it wasn't too dark!

I guess thats pretty sad when one has nothing else to do on a Friday night so gets restless and goes for a walk but I guess that is also better than being either at home or out snacking or drinking!

Tomorrow - all going well I will be up at the gym just after 8am, then after all the usual stuff afterwards and some blob out time, I will head back to Upper Hutt to pick up Jude to take her to a hairdressers appt, then to collect some colour charts as she is about to get her kitchen/dining room painted, then to Farmers to get a new duvet cover she has seen then it will time for her to go home for her nana nap. The last couple of days she hasn't had her nana nap in the afternoon due to various reasons and boy by about 6pm she is almost asleep whilst mid sentence to you!

Nothing else major planned for the weekend - had initally thought that Steph and I might go out for dinner tomorrow night but finances might not allow that and also I don't really need any more temptations right now.

I also want to thank you all for your lovely comments re the difference between the two photos! They certainly are a reality check to remind us how far we have all come as I am sure we all have "before" photos and current photos laying about. Thanks to Brelle, CM and Helena for posting their ones too!:)

Right its now almost 10pm so I think I will take my book and hit the sack otherwise I might not get up in time for the gym... and we can't have that can we??? LOL

Catch ya all over the weekend some time. Have a good weekend everyone :)

Hi ya

Well as mentioned in my earlier entry tonight I can't seem to find the photo that I was looking for so will post this one instead...

This one was taken in Oct 02 a mere three months before I offically started this weight loss journey.

And this one - well you saw it just the other day when I posted it to show off my new outfit but thought I would post the two together so we can see the comparison of how far I have come.

It is times like this when I look back at those old photos when I do feel proud of how far I have come and what I have acheived through my journey. Yes I still have a wee way to go but I can and I will do this!!!

Hi ya

Well apart from TOM I am generally feeling a lot better today - just taking one day at a time.

I had a much better nights sleep last night - in fact slept till 1 min before my alarm was due to go off - I initally got such a fright when I saw I had slept till then I jumped out of bed thinking I had slept in! LOL Was still pretty tired during the day - I know my Iron levels are ok as I get them checked reguarly so its just me being me I guess.

Jodie - thanks for your lovely comment on last nights post - all info gratefully received and noted :) I think I will give it another say 3mths if I can before going back to the Dr for "help" but when I do go back I will be discussing the option of Chlomid with her. Well actually I will probably be going back to see her later this month for another issue so I might just run it by her and se what she says about it. Knowing Gillian and the support I get from her I think she will be quite keen. But I am guessing it will all depend on what the outcome of the other "issue" is. I am not sure if I shared this with you gals or not - but on the Friday before Christmas I ended up the Dr's with this "reflux" problem I have been having off and on. I saw a locum as my GP was away and the locum seems to think that I probably have gallbladder problems! Apparently very common in women in their early-mid thirties! She has given me some tablets to trial for a month and then I need to go back and see my regular GP and will be sent for an ultrasound to see what the story is. I have done some researching on Gallbladder on Google - and I can say that I have experienced at some time or another almost every symptom on the lists which is rather scary... There are two surgery options - one being key-hole surgery which will be an overnight stay in hospital and about a week off work... but sometimes they need to do "true old fashioned" surgery which in that case would be about a week in hospital and about 6 weeks off work! Oooops - so as much as I would love a holiday from work - I will hope that if I do need surgery that key-hole surgery is the option for me.

Boy - I did go off on a tangent there - sorry ladies :) Back to today - worked till 2pm today. Boss is slowly easing us back into full days so tomorrow is my day to work a full day whilst he is on leave and L will finish early. But yeap lots of work to get done and L is on leave all of next week and the boss is on leave for two weeks after that so I have a feeling that the next three weeks will be pretty full on for me! Well perhaps that will keep my mind off TTC! LOL

Foodwise - hmmmmm another so, so day really. Could have done better but could have done a lot worse with the hunger pains I was getting! LOL Water - not very good at all - probably a litre at tops - so gotta improve on that one big time tomorrow!
Exercise - not a lot - hmmm ok sweet bugger all apart from a wee walk about 11.30am when I snuck out to get some lunch.

Well will stop rambling now - I want to find a particular old fat photo of mine and will post it along with my recent Christmas Day one. This is something that

Brelle

ChubbyMum

and Helena have done recently and it is amazing to see how much younger, fitter etc that we all are!

Catch ya all later.

Hi everyone

Yeap I am feeling a bit better about things today but thank you so, so much for your support through comments and emails! Where would I be without you lot??? Probably lost and at least 20 kilos heavier than I am now if not more! So thanks again everyone.

I should probably clarify a couple of things in relation to last nights post - yes I have talked to Steph frequently about walking with me - and it just comes down to the fact that he is not really a walker and is not keen. Yes it would be nice if he came out with me occasionally but its his choice and I can't force him really! We do have a great relationship and 98% of the time communication is not a problem but I guess we are only human and I would estimate all relationships I know of go through wee hiccups and have the occasional communication breakdown. We never go to bed angry at each other - hey why should we when making up is half the fun??? LOL Steph - when you read this always remember I love you heaps and you do mean the world to me! I just had to have some where to vent how I was feeling so came and did it online rather than at you directly! Love ya heaps hun - never ever forget that!

Oh in relation to the TTC side of things - in all reality it has only been 5mths since my last miscarriage and only 3 true cycles (including this one) as it took a couple of mths for things to come right so I will give it a WEE bit longer before going back to the dr as we know I can get pregnant fairly easily so will see how we go. I guess the sore point is that I always said I would have completed my family by the time I am 35yrs old and as that is only a couple of weeks away for me now I am doing a lot of thinking. Yes I know there are older mums out there - I have two sister in laws who didn't start their families until they were mid-late thirties and I have total respect for that. Its just that it was something I always wanted and it looks like I am going to be one of those "older" mums but hey I will just wait and see what we are blessed with.

Right on to today - it was back to life back to reality and back to work this morning! For some reason I also went back to crappy sleeping last night as well - that started about Oct or so last year - waking about 4.44am most mornings and then only dosing off and on until I got up... I was fine during the long holiday period but just like clock work it happened again this morning! GRRRRRR I am looking at taking some natural sleeping remedies to aid me there as I am them just a tired mess most of the day.

So yes where was I, yeah back to work. Finally got there after the train (which is running on a Sunday timetable for this week) which was late, then chocker full, stopped at all stations (am used to an express) finally pulled in to Wgtn station! Got to work to find out that we could finish at lunchtime today. So that was really cool so about 12.30pm or so I thought bugger it I would go home and the work would wait for me till tomorrow. So came home for a wee while, then after talking to Jude who was not feeling the best and a bit down, I popped up there to give her some company for a couple of hours and then after much contemplation I hit the gym on the way home! I was the only one there and despite a bit of a struggle on the cross trainer I managed to complete everything else! Worked up a real sweat but felt good for doing that.

Home, cooked and had tea, showered, can't be bothered getting dressed again so am sitting here in my nightie just blobbing out...

Food today - hmmmm not the best but by no means the worst either. Most cafes etc were closed on the way to the station, so ended up grabbing a potato top pie from the station - mmmmmmmmmmm delicious! Yeap I am a sucker for savoury pies! Enjoyed every mouthful and it satisfied me :) Water - ahhhhh it was good to be drinking cool, filtered water reguarly again. Hmmmm rough esitmate of 2 litres drunk so am pleased with that. Exercise - well you already know that I hit the gym so am pleased with that too.

Oh out of the 11 days we had off - I exercised 9 days out of that so am really impressed with myself with that effort.

Ok I have rambled on enough again tonight - once again a big thank you for all your support and love - it means the world to me! And I would be lost without it. Oh a big hello to the new readers too - welcome to my journey :) And thanks reading and for your support.

Love ya all

Hi ya

Advance warning - this is a "down post" tonight so if you are looking for inspiration, motivation or anything like that you might want to skip to the next journal on your list to read...

I have had it with everything I have decided! Have had it with TTC (Trying to conceive) as TOM arrived this morning and boy it sure is full on (again) and I am feeling like total and utter crap! Perhaps this is something to do with me feeling so down but then again who knows...

Have had it with exercise - although this morning I did a 7km walk (instead of usual 5km) I only did the extra as I had to go to Steph's brothers place to feed the dogs but I really had to force myself with every step I took. Normally once I have my MP3 player going and I get a pace going its all good and there is no stopping me.... but lately although I have been walking reguarly I have been having to force myself otherwise if I didn't walk I would have been eating...

So that takes me to the next thing I am sick of - not so much eating itself cause we all know I love that as that is what got me to this situation in the first place but more so watching what I am eating! I would love to be one of those "skinny minnies" who can eat anything anytime and not gain a bit of weight! Fuck I would love to be one of those women!!! I am so tired of thinking before I eat, sick of thinking how will this affect me on Thursday when I weigh in, sick of thinking I shouldn't be eating this when all I want to do is eat it all...

While I am on the moan and bitch of the week - I am sick of doing everything here at home - sick of cooking every night, sick of doing the dishes, sick of doing all the washing... yes Steph helps with the vacuming but thats about it! Sometimes I feel he could be doing more yet other times I think gees if that was me in the same boat it would be hard to do anything else really. Yes he is getting frustrated at not being able to help me but fuck I am getting frustrated at doing everything when he is usually just sitting there watching TV or on the computer or reading his book... okay there is not a lot else he could be doing but thats beside the point. I may be being unfair here but just wanted to do a vent on this subject whilst I was moaning and bitching about other things.

Oh the other thing that annoys me around home is Steph not willing to come walking with me... as I am usually walking when he is still in bed OR when he is watching TV but hello surely time with his wife should come first occasionally. I give up my gym or walk at the weekends sometimes to spend time with him (in bed... LOL) so surely I am not shelfish in thinking that surely sometimes he could come walking with me especially whilst his hand is in the splint as he is not going to the gym so walking would be keeping up his fitness but no he doesn't see it that way!

Oh speaking of the gym - my one reopened today but in all honesty I just don't know if I want to go back there. Robyn is changing the way things work from the 16th Jan and you now have to make appt times to come to the gym so basically I would need to "book in" for the Mon/Wed evenings and Sat mornings and wouldn't be able to go any other time if I felt the urge. Yes I could go up there and see if there was a space free but if there wasn't that would have been a wasted trip and wasted petrol... so am doing some research on gyms in town but at this stage they are about double the cost of what I am currently paying so might try and sit down with Steph and see what he says about the extra dollars going to the gym. But also need to remember that there will be the joining fee too... I do love it at Robyns place but I am just not sure about the "booking" of times - I can understand her reasoning of it as sometimes the gym in under untilised and other times it is bursting at the seams so this is her way of trying to spread everyone out and apparently it worked when she first opened the gym.... so at this stage I am taking this week off the gym as well while I do some more research and some thinking.

But anyway, I think I have covered all areas that are pissing me off... some I probably haven't explained as well as I could have but never mind I am sure you will get the drift easy enough.

Don't worry I am not giving up - just having one of those days/weeks and like we say to each other - thats our journals are for - to vent and moan and to get things off our chests!

Love ya all

Me

Yeap bit of a bugger really - for those of us who go back to work on Wednesday there is only one more opportunity to sleep in!!! BUGGER! LOL It would be nice if I knew how to sleep in but as I moaned and bitched about that last night I won't repeat myself again...

Today has ended up being a rest day for me exercise wise - well more or less anyway. No offical exercise as it was blowing gale force winds this morning and then as I contemplated going for a walk it started raining a bit so I chickened out thinking that I might go this evening... but we ended up having a late tea and by the time I wait 45mins or so for tea to settle it was time to give Jude a quick call and with the way things are spending time with her either in person or just talking on the phone is more important than exercise in my eyes. Yes I know I have to keep an eye on my sanity etc as well but as I have exercised a fair bit this holiday period I felt I would rather spend time talking to her. And after my late night walk on New Years Eve and not getting back home till just before 10pm I am not in a hurry to repeat that in a hurry - was just getting a bit too dark for my liking especially whe I was alone!!

So anyway, back to what we have gotten up to - not a lot really. After getting up about 8am, and showering etc I had a spur of the moment decision to go to Queensgate to get some photos printed off the digital camera so txt Jude to see if she wanted to come along thinking that she would say no... but she did so went and picked her and then once down at Queensgate we hired her a wheelchair from the Info desk and off we went. It was quite fun pushing her around (so to speak) and as she is now weighing only slightly more than I do I saw it as an exercise of pushing myself around! So that was my unoffical exercise. And as she was just sitting there we were able to move at a pace and cover a fair bit of ground compared to if she had been walking!

Anyway, dropped her and her purchases at home and then came home for a light lunch (about 2pm in the end) and then spent a couple of hours just blobbing with Steph and talking to a couple of friends online. We then popped up to Steph's parents for a wee while, then around to his brothers place to feed the dogs whilst they are away, then home again and I cooked BLT's for tea but did them like the pubs do - on fresh toasted bread with a small side of oven baked fries! Apart from burning the bread just a wee bit it made a lovely meal and something different for us to have at home.

Right lets see if this picture posting works - if so this picture will be one of Steph and I taken on Christmas day. This is my new outfit that I got for losing 40 kilos! Yay it works!

Right this one of me showing off my new outfit later in the day once we were at my sisters place. The hair is not looking the best though - looks a bit wind blown... but hey thats life in the fast lane! :)

I also have some lovely photos of Jude and I that Steph took for us but before I show them I will check with Jude as to how she feels about me publishing them...

So yay I now know how to publish photos rather easily on blogger... not sure if it was how you meant Kate but I got them done. They took a wee while to download to blogger but they made it in one piece and that is the main thing!

Oh I did a pregnancy test this afternoon too - got a negative result but I was 1/2 expecting that anyway so no surprises there. It was just me being impatient and not waiting till tomorrow morning. So since I tested today I have promised myself (and Steph) that I will not test till either Friday or Saturday morning now.... oh I wait the waiting! LOL But in all honesty the way I am feeling I think TOM is just lurking so best I save the test for next month!

Right I think I have rambled on enough tonight - feels like it has been a bit "hickeldey pickeldey" today but hope someone understood it.

Catch ya all tomorrow sometime. Night all

Hi all

Well to start off with I am playing "follow the leader" from Chubbymum and Helena and have checked out what colour rose I am... so here are the details:

You Are an Orange Rose

You represent desire and enthusiasm Your vibe: Sexy yet familiar Falling in love with you: happens instantly - it's a fast ride

I had some fun on that website with "what sort of Chocolate I am", "what sort of ice cream I am", "what sort of friend I am" and many more...

Right back to reality - no sleep in for me today - I somehow seem to have lost the knack of being able to sleep in at the moment. Though truth be known I have always had difficulty in sleeping in - probably cause from the age of 12 I was up working on Saturday mornings and throughout the school holidays and then on Sundays I was up for church... and then obviously during the week it was school and then work... but even once I stopped going to church I never really slept in on Sundays for some reason - ususally because I felt like I was wasting the day away if I stayed in bed for too long. And now that I am in the habit of gymming on Saturdays and walking on Sundays I just can not lay there and do nothing unless I am super tired or I have something else on! GRRRRRR it is so frustrating at times! Okay moan and bitch over about sleeping in.

So anyway, up at 7.30am but no walk or ride then as we were planning on hitting the road about 9am to head to Foxton to pick up Jude. Got away about 9.15am and did a quick stop at Otaki Cemetrey to spend some quality time with Dad and tell him my New Years resolutions etc... Felt a bit bad as I had not made it up there for some time so had a good chat with him! :) Got to Foxton about 11.15am and had a good catch up with Judes parents and her aunty who was also there as Jude was having a Nana nap when we arrived. Once she was up, we had a game of darts in the garage and Steph won that with Jude second and me third! It was then lunch time and boy Judes mum knows how to feed an army and so well too! We had ham, chicken, salad, potatoes, peas, beetroot, tomatoes and cucumber for mains. Then for dessert she had made a jelly, a pavalova and my favourite triffle! And I felt obliged to have some triffle since she knows it is a favourite of mine and made it just for me but god it was delicious!!!

We then took the oportunity to take some photos of Jude with her parents, with her aunty and then some with us too. So I have downloaded those and emailed them off to both her and her parents. And yes I have downloaded the ones of me wearing my new outfit too - just gotta remember how to post them on here but I promise they will be appearing real soon!

We then hit the road and came home after doing a quick stop at the Warehouse as Jude wanted something from there but they had sold out so on to her place it was. Got her settled in at home and then it was time for us to come home!

We had stopped at the fish place in Paekaekariki (think I have spelt that right) and got some terakhai fillets for tea. Boy they were huge but oh so nice and delicious. I oven baked them in tinfoil with lemon juice, mixed herbs, salt and pepper for about 12 mins and yum yum! Also had new potatoes and veggies.

Dishes, then I hit the pavement to do my walk. I am starting to get real frustrated at the moment as I have been trying so hard to keep that big loss I had just before Christmas off and the scales just seem to be going up and up... okay my food is definitley not as good as normal but it is by no means bad either. Yes I have the occasional chippies or ice cream etc but overall it is good and the water intake has been okay too.... and well as for the exercise I have done the following:
24th Dec - gym
26th Dec - 5km walk
28th Dec - 5km walk
29th Dec - total of 9.4 bike ride (split between two rides)
30th Dec - 5km walk
31st Dec - 2.5 km bike ride and 5km walk
1st Jan - 5km walk

So there have only been two rest days in there and I am getting frustrated with everything but don't worry I am still plodding on - just taking it day by day! Just needed to vent for a while!

Anyway, its just gone 10pm now so best I get moving and hit the sack. Catch ya all tomorrow some time.